Friday, August 29, 2014

No Date Nights Allowed and What One Wife Did About It

I love quality time. Thrive on it, in fact.

I'd love a monthly date night with my husband.

But he doesn't. In fact, he's a self proclaimed “I-don't-date-my-wife”-er.

There came the day when I realized I had two options in this layout. I could get all “poor me” about it, thinking things like “he doesn't love me” or “he doesn't find me worth his time” and all the other things us women are prone to think.

OR, I could put on my big girl undies, and realize he loves me in ways only he can love me, and if that means one date night in six years, then that means one date night in six years. 

That one wasn't so grand and romantic anyway, considering the lady at the table next to us had a heart attack. That'll put a damper on just about anything.

Back to my two options.

If you've been a woman for any amount of time, you already know I went through option one.

It wasn't ideal.

I felt horrible for “not being enough”. My attitude made him feel horrible for not being a romantic prince charming who turns zucchini into Lamborghini, and whisks me off into the sunset.

Like I said, it just wasn't ideal.

So, I chose to hitch up those big girl undies, and find other ways to indulge my need. This is what I did.

I spent 6 hours preparing a rack of ribs, mashed potatoes and gravy, dressing, salad, homemade buns with strawberry jam...the whole nine yards. There was ice cream, cherry pie and coffee for dessert. I got out the fine china, not touched since our wedding, my most prized tablecloth, and the wine glasses to serve a delectable punch.

I added a pair of long stem candles and bam! all was set.

Our two kids were put to bed early, and I expected a grand evening with my number one.

The timer went off. All was ready to present to my husband. I was prepared to blow his socks off!

One glitch. The oven had decided to take on a mind of it's own some time back, and was baking at half the desired temperature. The ribs wouldn't be ready for another 2 hours and it was already 8pm.

I was devastated. Totally deflated.

What a flop!

I had a hungry man on my hands and all he wanted was food.

So, we ate.

In candle light. On fine china. Without the ribs. In awkward silence.

My husband somehow found the humor in all this and smiled. It was a teensy little smile, which he tried to disguise by taking another bite, but I saw it.

How dare he smile!

I couldn't hold back the tears any longer.

They spilled onto my napkin in silence.

We continued eating in silence.

He smiled some more.

In silence.

Now, please understand, it wasn't a mean smile. It was a gentle “It's OK, hun.” kind of smile.

But to me, he still smiled and this was no smiling matter.

Oh! In case you're wondering about his socks....they stayed on his feet.

We went to bed. He held me quietly while I cried some more. Every once on a while I could feel him smile again. 

And I'd cry a few more tears. 

Fast forward to the next evening.

In an effort to make up for the night before, I served his favorite meal: homemade pizza with cookies-n-cream ice cream.

As I was preparing the meal, which, by the way, took a measly 1 hour compared to last nights 6, I saw those long stem candles.

They seemed to mock me, daring me try it again.

So, as not to admit defeat, I did.

I got out the china. Set four places instead of two.

I got out the beautiful table cloth and the wine glasses. The leftover punch didn't have anymore fizz in it, but I decided to serve it anyway.

He came home on time, 10 minutes before the pizza was done. Just long enough for him to cuddle his giggling 1 & 2 year old daughters.

Then we ate our dinner.

His favorite meal. In candlelight. The sun streaming through the window. We sipped our fizz-less punch, the kids jabbering in excitement, trying to blow out the candles.

Punch got spilled from sippy cups, pizza sauce and ice cream got smeared across hands, faces and tablecloth, someone choked on meat and the other tipped a candle into the pizza.

Again, my husband got fed. Again, his socks stayed on. Again, he smiled.

And it was OK for him to do that this time.

Because THIS TIME held the quality I was looking for.

Since then, every time I'm needing a little quality time we have a pizza in candlelight dinner with the whole family.

Every single time, he smiles.

Every single time, so do I.


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Sharing with.... Missional Call. Essential Devotions, Missional Women, Christian Mommy Blogger, A Look at the Book, Nancherrow, Create With Joy, Happy and Blessed Home


  1. Oh yes I like it!! So often we think the quality time has to be a major thought out ordeal, but I've come to realize that my husband is gone everyday, all day long (except Saturday and Sunday). He likes to come home and spend time there. Yes he enjoys small special things I plan, but it just doesn't need to be much!! Fresh baked cookies and a glass of milk are as big of a 'treat' for him as anything. Our date nights are usually 2 times a year. Once on our anniversary and once on our 'first date' anniversary!! Enjoyed reading this!!

    1. Yes! There is much more satisfation in the ordinary and the small! We enjoy our Sunday afternoon popcorn. Simple, together, cheap and not stressful! I've come to know high expectations are made to crash, but contentment in the mundane is greatly rewarded! Thank you for sharing, Ruth!

  2. i also discovered that we could flirt LOTS...when the kids were little, we could talk flirty, when they were older, we couldn't say as much, but we could flirt just the same. it was good for them to see:)

    1. Lol! Yes, we participate in much flirting! Lol It's easier to do & more intimate when it's done within your own walls. Just another perk to staying home ;)

  3. We often like to stay in and have date nights in. We watch movies, make dinner together, drink wine, etc. I actually wrote a post on 5 stay at home date night ideas on my blog. It can be tough to get out of the house with a baby. On the other hand, I DO like to go out every now and again. My husband does too though.

  4. I think I would really struggle with not having any alone time with my husband--which is what "date" means to me, having time for just us, not focusing on family or friends or people we work with. Hey, I consider doing errands together a date as long as we get time to just chat, so I'd say we date very frequently. Romance, on the other hand, doesn't come naturally to either of us...but time spent together and being able to chat is awesome!

  5. Saying 'hi' from Thriving Thursday. Thanks for sharing your heart and the way God helped you to love the man He gave you and enjoy the simple pleasures of everyday. I enjoy simple dates too . . . fancy ones make me too conscientious!

  6. Love this! I remember our favorite "date-night". It was about 25 years ago when our kids were small and we didn't even have a babysitter. I felt the "need' to have my husband to myself, but knew that wasn't going to happen! LOL So, I made lunch, got out a big quilt and placed it down in front of the fireplace. Then, I called my husband to the dinner "table" and told the kids that they could play and do whatever they wanted (within reason, of course) but the only rule was they couldn't get on the quilt. Mommy and Daddy wanted some "alone" time. Well, it was the funniest thing - As my husband and I enjoyed our meal, sitting on the quilt by the fire...gazing into each other's eyes, our children were enthralled! They sat just off of the quilt, watching us the whole time. I think they were in stunned silence as they didn't say a thing! It was so cute...And, my husband and I have often remarked that that was the best "date" ever.

    We do what we gotta do, right?

    Blessings, Joan

    1. Love, love , love! Your story, Joan! Yes, we do what works. Things like this are what makes life real & worth living. Thank you for sharing!

  7. I love this, Kaylene! This so speaks to my heart right now! My husband and I rarely get date nights since we are foster parents and we aren't allowed to leave our foster daughter with people who aren't background checked or other foster parents... and even then it is hard to find someone willing to watch four kids :) You've really encouraged me to do this at home more like this! And coincidentally, our oven did a similar thing awhile ago except it was apple crisp! Thanks so much for your authenticity!
    -S.L. Payne,

  8. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has "those days" when your best intentions flop. Thanks for sharing!