Thursday, September 4, 2014

When Fulfilling Your Marital Duty is a Matter of Self-control

Self control isn't just about controlling yourself from doing things.

Its also about controlling your SELF to do things that you don't feel like doing.

For example, take a look at 1 Corinthians 7:3-5:

"The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 
The wife's body does not belong to her alone 
but also to her husband.
In the same way, 
the husband's body does not belong to him alone,
 but also to his wife. 
Do not deprive each other...
so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The wife's body does not belong to her alone...I wonder if that annoys you sometimes. If you're like me you may have thoughts like, "This is my body! I can do with it what I want. Don't make me do with it what I don't want. What do you mean, this is also my husbands body? He needs to control himself."

A very wise woman said, "Never withhold sex as a way to get back at your husband." 

Another once asked me, "Honey, do you really think your body is so special that you should keep it from your husband?"

After I scraped my jaw off the floor and had a few days to mull it over, I realized how right she was.

You see, we are called to honor one another, bear with one another, encourage one another, build each other up according to the others needs. (Ehp.4:29)

Key words being, ACCORDING TO THEIR NEEDS, because that is the greatest way to communicate love. 

That means, you shouldn't focus solely on what you want, or what you think, or what you think you need.

Instead, get out of your little "it's all about me" box and realize that your husband has needs that only you can & only you SHOULD fulfill. Sometimes that means doing what you don't feel like doing, when you don't feel like doing it.

Your husband has a need. The question is not, "Do I feel like fulfilling his sexual need tonight?" But rather, "Am I going to use my body to bless my husband, according to his need and according to my marital duty?

We are told in 1 Corinthians 6:20 to "honor God with our body". This is used in a different context, but the lesson can still be the same. Are you going to honor God and the marriage bed with your body, or are you going to purposely withhold yourself from your husband and then expect him to be able to stand all manner of temptations?

He's not super man. You shouldn't expect him to be.

I'm not suggesting that if your husband falls or indulges in extra marital affairs that it's your fault.

I am suggesting, however, that by controlling your body to do for your husband according to his needs, that if your husband does fall short of the marriage vows expectations, you will be able to stand faultless and blameless, knowing you did what God asked you to do.

Self-control. Control your body and your will in ways that encourage and build up your marriage and your husband in ways that are esteeming and edifying ACCORDING TO HIS NEEDS. 

Christ did it for you. He willingly died for you because you had a need.

Won't you die to your self and do for your husband according to his?



Here are a few ways to prepare yourself to minister to your husband:

1. Prepare mentally. Yes, think about him. Prepare your mind to take action. (1Peter1:13,4:7-8) Then when he reaches for you, you'll be prepared for his touch and prepared to indulge his need.

2. Prepare physically. If you feel more confident and prepared for your husband after you have a shower, ask him to allow you ten minutes to prepare yourself. Wear a little something special just for him. Outward appearance is a confidence issue for most women, so prepare yourself physically. You will feel better prepared, he will be thankful for a wife willing to engage.


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  1. Yes- such truth you share here Kaylene! I often pray for strength and the desire to please my husband as only I- his wife could. I know he so desperately needs my love, and I must be available to him! I always tell him and others that there isn't ONE time I have ever regretted stopping 'my needs, my busy to do list etc' to fill his. Once I push myself to make that decision, God always always blesses it!! I feel loved and wanted and fulfilled every single time. :)

    1. ↑↑Amen!! Thank you, Christine, for you kind and understanding words. Its amazing how putting another's needs before our own blesses us beyond measure. Our husband is one of those "anothers". Its just hard to see him as such when we rub shoulders every day. Blessings, sweet one!

  2. Love how you handled this important subject with such care and wisdom, Kaylene. In honoring our husbands, we honor God!

    1. It's a touchy one for many, but so very important. Thank for leaving encouraging words, Michele. I was hesitant about publishing, but couldn't shake the feeling that someone somewhere needs to read this. I'll probably never know who she might be, but thats ok! All for Him! Blessings!

  3. You speak needed and bold truth, Kaylene. And I thank you for that. So many gals out there need to hear this (including me on the difficult days.) So appreciate you.